"If it's inspiration you are after, then FAWM is your club. Each February, this website forges a collaborative community of musicians worldwide, from all walks and skill levels. We are taking on the challenge of writing an album's worth of new music during the shortest month of the year. We 'fawmers' are a motley mix of music professionals, students, homemakers, and folks who work day jobs but rock nightclubs."

The theme for me this year was letting go. I tried to write about it from every angle I could think of, including fictional literary characters, an embryo in the womb, the full moon, Shakespeare, news stories, neighbours and a jilted lover.

Unless otherwise noted all songs are performed and written by me, on my 100-year-old Heintzman piano with my Zoom H2 360-degree mic, as rough, live, one-take recordings, minor fumbles and all. Several of these songs will appear on my fourth CD, Relinquish.

Written + composed February 1, 2011.

This year's all about breaking free, for me.

Ellen wakes up and she pours out the coffee
And flips through the paper, then throws it away
Her closet is lined with the neatest collection
Of clothes you won't notice in colourless grey

Ellen's an expert at keeping her distance
And camouflaging against pavement and walls
The mirror betrays every moment she's suffered
The day's only purpose is every night-fall

Chorus:
But tonight will be different, she swears at her blindness
She claws at the darkness and silently screams
She throws back the covers and jumps to her feet
As she tears off her clothing and opens herself to dreams, to dreams

Ellen feels groggy, she's groping through fog
As she struggles for breath in her watery cage
She swims through the vapour engulfing her, drowning her
Breaches the surface with passion and rage

Chorus x2

Look at Ellen, now she will look in your eyes
Look at Ellen, now she can look in your eyes

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Written + composed February 2, 2011.

More of that breaking free. Imagine an egg..

Waiting in the darkness
These red walls muffle my cries
The tide-moon and this wet earth
My universe comprise
Compelled toward my fate
Down a silent corridor
Travelling by full moonlight
From the home that I adore

Mother may I go back again
Mother may I be still again

Chorus:
But there's no choice to let go
To relinquish my grip
On all that's been mine
Find my voice
On this momentous trip
Into the void divine

Never seen the starlight
Sparkling endlessly
And if I'm not mistaken
It's closing in on me
Anything could happen
If that star touches my skin
How can I protect myself
This shell is paper-thin

Mother may I go back again
Mother may I be still again

And I hear her say:
"You are my creation
But you can be more
Than my elation"
I resist the urge
To surrender my fears
In this moment of truth
Of unfamiliar tears

Chorus

No choice to let go
And relinquish my grip
On all that's been mine
Find my voice
On this momentous trip
Into the void divine

And there's no resisting
My existing here

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Written + composed February 3, 2011.

The Algonquin (Native American) name for the full moon in February is "Snow Moon."

Snow Moon (Winter Warm-up Mix)

Leslie Hudson: music, lyrics, piano, vocals
Mark McMaster: mix

Helped Mark test piano/vocal levels at his church-turned-studio in November, and I couldn't stop playing wintry songs. There's something about being back in a church, playing the piano in the dark, without all the trappings and the people and the religion of the place. Only the music haunting the halls. It's a magical feeling, and this is a magical song.

There's a dusting of snow on the stair
Below branches like fingers
A shadow that lingers
A sprinkling of mastery there

On the surface, a glittering frieze
Swirling softly in foot prints
In paw prints and hoof prints
Caressing the roots of the trees

And the sky is a mirror above
Every star is reflected
Each crystal connected
The down on the breast of a dove

To be under a moon of such grace
Is to feel the soul brighten
Illumine, enlighten
A veil of such elegant lace

For the stars that have fallen to earth
That are woven and sifted
By gentle winds lifted
A quilting of silence and mirth

Through a fractal mosaic of frost
And the icicled awning
A new day is dawning
The beauty of midnight is lost

But a moment of magic remains
As the sun faces full moon
Their canopy star-strewn
Entangling gleaming white trains

Now the snow moon descends by design
Her brief reign momentary
'Til next February
Her snowflake attendants resign

There's a sigh on the fresh frozen air
And the buds feel a stirring
A whisper, a whirring
A promise, a murmur, a prayer

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Written + composed February 5, 2011.

For my neighbour, Hélène, who has moved away.

Chorus:
I bring heather for Hélène
Who's not in, so I pick up my pen
To compose a short farewell
And a hoping you are well
You're no stranger
To hydrangea
And I feel the loss of you
Lady of la belle Écosse, adieu

For three years or maybe more
I have walked out of my own front door
To the sights and sounds of you
Though our spoken words are few

Chorus

In your driveway stands a bin
All at once the movers fill it in
I can't see the orchids bloom
In the window of your room

Chorus

Take with you this good luck charm
That I trust will keep you safe from harm
May you find a fertile soil
And reward for all your toil

Chorus

Yes, I feel the loss of you
Lady of la belle Écosse, adieu

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Written + composed February 6, 2011.

Recorded on the Roland ep85.  Song Skirmish 2 title: "Electrocute", 3-4 PM EST.

Lyin' on the floor
Wonderin' what happened to me
If you kick down my door
Try your best to not step on me
For even if you find a way
To aggravate me
I will find the antidote
That will sedate me

Chorus:
'Cause you're too high, honey
I feel electrocuted
Too high, honey, for me

Wandrin' down the lane
'Cause the map was misleadin' me
I'm missin' every train
Out of breath, but you won't catch me
And even if you try to
Discombobulate me
I will find a way to let you
Suffocate me

Chorus

Even if you find a way
To aggravate me
I will find the antidote
That will sedate me

Chorus x2

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Written + composed February 7, 2011.

With a smattering of Pachelbel's Canon.  He cheated on the wrong girl this time.

Bad Time (Robot Remix)

Leslie Hudson: original song
Jordan Hirsch: remix

Jordan: I heard this song by Leslie and thought it would be a great song to "robot up." So I got out my electronic bag of robot tricks, and went to work.

Along the way, I realized that this song is much, much darker than I had first realized - the piano and her voice are so pretty I sort of overlooked the fact that lyrically, this is more or less a murder ballad. Awesome!

Anyway, I hope Leslie can forgive me for what I've done to her once beautiful song. But the robots will not be denied.

Is this a bad time to say
That I cannot wait until the day
That you will watch me walk away
From here

Is this a bad time to grin, laddie-o
You take it well on the chin
I hope that one day you find love again
Out there

It's not that you hold me a little too tight
It's not that your night-light's a little too bright
It's not retribution for winning that fight
It's just that you can't do a single thing right

Chorus:
And I'll leave you here with that thought
Mull it over
Yes, I think you've finally got
Why it's over

Don't tell me you feel remorse
Now that you have no means of recourse
Although you're welcome to talk yourself hoarse
Feel free

Don't tell me you will be good
'Cause you can barely be understood
Probably you've said more than you should
To me

It's not all the hang-ups I get on the phone
It's not all the hours you don't spend at home
It's not that you're reaping the seeds that you've sown
It's just that I think you need more time alone

Chorus

Don't bother walking me out
You're all tied up for the moment, no doubt
I think the gag will muffle the shout
Don't you?

And I am afraid that it's worse
I have the key to your cuffs in my purse
Into the world you will carry my curse
With you

It's not that I'm callous, I heard every cry
Of regret and apology for every lie
But the truth is we're finished and my eyes are dry
So all I have left to say now is goodbye

Chorus

Is this a bad time to say
That I am happy today is the day
That you will watch me walk away
From here

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Written + composed February 7, 2011.

For Jason Segel's "Dracula Musical." Well, in my dreams perhaps.

Spirits of the past
Haunt me no longer
Love that did not last
You were no stronger
Memory and choice
Crowd in the barrow
Hard to hear the voice
Of a lone sparrow

Demons of the wood
Hunt me no longer
Vision where you stood
I am no stronger
Misery remain
I'll keep my distance
Who can now explain
My dark existence

Chorus:
Pity the state I have got myself into
Locked in a cage of my unwillingness to undo
I am haunted and hunted and hungry for more
And you would not believe what I still have in store

Shadows of the night
Hunger no longer
Feeding with delight
You will grow stronger
Melody of hope
Straining and silent
O, familiar trope
Twisted and violent

Spectres of the dead
Hold me no longer
Let no more be said
We will grow stronger
Mimicry of dust
I have turned from thee
Light I cannot trust
You cannot save me

Chorus x2

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Written + composed February 12, 2011.

There had to be one about this in the mix.

Andy believed in the Light of the World
Marching to battle with banner unfurled
A prayer on his lips and the Word in his heart
A living example and doing his part

And rarely did he allow questions to rise
He quelled those that plagued him with practiced replies
But even a tremor can cause fracture lines
And even a blind man could see there were signs

Chorus:
For the nagging doubt that had whittled out
Such a tiny place to hide
Knew the current state of the faith debate
Though it would not choose a side

Andy devoted his life to the church
Thinking that this was the end to his search
Passion for truth and submission to Grace
Nearly banishing every last trace

Chorus

And somewhere inside Andy knew
That the colours were fading to blue
And the rhythm of his current state
Was beginning to fluctuate

Chorus

No he would not choose
Andy could not quite decide

Andy believed in the light of the world
But no longer sure 'round whose fingers it curled
A prayer on his lips for the doubt in his heart
A living example of falling apart

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Written + composed February 13, 2011.

Still ironing out the nuances of the melody.  Based on Frances Hodgson Burnett's story, The Secret Garden, which I adore. I saw the musical in March.  The lyrics were originally double what they are now; I pared them down, believe it or not.

Mary's days were hot and dry
And lonely, though she'd never cry
When fever hit, the people fled
Though many more were left for dead

One survivor, left alone
One small child with heart of stone
Travelled to her uncle's land
Cared for by a servant's hand

In the manor, Mary stayed
Angry, lost, her temper frayed
Down the hall, a dusty tomb
Moaning drew her from her room

She met a boy with chalky skin
Ruined legs and wasting thin
Cousin Colin was confined
To bed, in body and in mind

Mary wandered o'er the moor
And found an ivy-hidden door
Slipped into the hole a key
Unlocking shrouded mystery

Found a garden, tangled thick
Walled by hedge and not by brick
Vast, forgotten, unaware
Of Mary standing, silent, there

Dickon, friend to creatures wild
Patient, wise, and never riled
Showed her how the garden grew
Taught her things she never knew

Rescued Colin from his cell
Mary felt her spirit swell
They trained their bodies, exercised
Until their dreams were realized

In the garden, they found peace
Energy that would not cease
Health and nourishment and friends
Spirit-song that never ends:

Secret Garden, sing to me
Songs of vine and flowering tree
Pretty maids and silver bells
Lined with rows of cockle shells

I will give you room to grow
Fill the earth with seeds I sow
Come to water, till the soil
Gladly offer love and toil

As I lay me down to rest
Like a robin in her nest
Secret Garden, I pray this:
That I'll be here for summer's kiss

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Written + composed February 12/19, 2011.

Kristian Børresen: music, piano, arrangement, mix
Leslie Hudson: lyrics, vocals

Kristian:  I´ve worked with Leslie before and I love her voice and lyrics, so I was excited when I got to work with her again! I had a bit of a struggle with mixing this as the number of tracks grew a bit overwhelming hehe.. but I think it turned out nice.. enjoy!

Leslie:  I LOVE working with Kristian!! This is so lovely.. and epic.  I keep hijacking his music to tell my own stories. Two for two, so far, in my opinion. I worked on a lot of alliteration and assonance in this song, which made the process take days longer than usual. But I suppose since the only things I had to contribute to this collaboration were words, they really needed to be the right ones.

Flotsam floating buoyant all around me
Throw me onto shore
Drenched and dragging, salt in all my senses
Crying out for more

Dripping, drying, pebble out of water
Underneath the sun
Glitter glinting washed out of a wave
My life has just begun

Chorus:
Grieve if you must, my sea-foam lover
Sing me a siren song
Grieve if you must, but leave me to wander
The sand that has led me to where I belong

Standing, staring, lost, out of the ocean
Wondering where to go
Gulls are gliding, calling overhead
The wind begins to blow

Lift and lull the fear of my ascension
Bring me to the brink
Rush and roar the doubt of my commitment
When I stop to think

Chorus

Warm, the evening of our first meeting
But sharp, our coral bed
Sweet, our children so softly sleeping
When I last kissed their heads

Sever the tether that binds your heart
To this splinter left of mine
Sink or swim, for I cannot carry you
Nor will I tarry on our finish line

Trials and tribulations lie before me
Just around the bend
Stuttered stumbling, clambering on a journey
I don’t comprehend

Fading focus blurred the lines I followed
Left me bleeding blind
Murmured mumbling shadow of indifference
I have left behind

Chorus

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Written + composed February 19, 2011.

Mindy C: lyrics
Leslie Hudson: music, piano, vocals

Mindy approached me about a collab, and we decided she'd do lyrics, and I'd do the music. We wanted to tell the story of the bullied little girl(s & boys) this song is based upon who came to a terrible end, but I suggested we infuse it with hope. We tweaked the lyrics a bit, and this is the result. Thank you, Mindy, for sharing your vision with me.

A little girl in a small town
Incomparable to those around
Never noticed, never followed
Fading into shadow

The sorrow in her eyes
Deepens with a slash of knives
Cowers her in the corner
Whispers in her ears

Chorus:
Her tears turn to rain
Flooding her hopes
Washing her dreams
Of being someone, someday
Far away

She sits alone most days
Waiting for some sign to stay
Or leave behind an unwanted life
Hated, full of strife

She's told she's a loser
She's not pretty, smart or cool
She's incomparable to normalcy
That's all she believes

Chorus

She walks into her room
Slams the door
Wipes away her tears and screams
I can't take this anymore!

She's falling apart
Piece by piece
Asking, all alone, if she
Will ever be released

Chorus

Hang in, it gets better
You've made it this far
Keep dreaming of someday
Far away

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Written + composed February 21, 2011.

I watched Patrick Stewart and Kate Fleetwood's performance of Shakespeare’s 'Macbeth' recently, and was blown away by its sheer brilliance and power to deeply disturb me. I cannot recommend it highly enough.  This speech of Macbeth's (Act V, scene v) has always been one of my favourites. The melody was born out of the cadence of "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.."

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

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Written + composed February 26, 2011.

Song Skirmish 7 title: "Confession Hour", 7-8 pm EST.  This slightly more polished chorus-melody version was posted 30 minutes later.

Father, I have sinned
So I unwrap myself before you
On my knees
You have entrapped my soul
And left me with no key
Behind a curtain made of lead
You drink me down
And I confess to you by candlelight

Chorus:
Give me some grace
Paint on a smile across this face
Relieve my guilt
For abandoning the house I built
Bless and keep me
As I bow my head
I pray I won't choke
On this daily bread

Father, there are days
I want to end it all
And throw my body down
Among the devils of temptation
To be burned
And melted down until I'm nothing
But a stone that will be thrown
From the volcano where it formed

Chorus

Father, forgive me
Until I return
With contrition, humility
And promising to turn
From the person I am
Underneath this veneer
My days and my nights
My weeks and my years

Chorus

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Written + composed February 27, 2011.

Instrumental, stream of consciousness (10 minutes).  Looking out at winter, and the grass poking through the snow.

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Written + composed February 27, 2011.

Peter Watkinson (aka Sapient): original music, lyrics
Leslie Hudson: new music, piano, vocals

A group of FAWMers in the Toronto area got together and Devin suggested we all make lullaby versions of our friend Peter’s metal songs.  I joined in at the last minute and came up with the following in about an hour.

Too close to the fire
You will get yourself burned
Too close to the edge
It is too far to fall
Too close to the line
That you must never cross
Too close to the mark
You never want to hit

Be careful where you stand
This thing might just go off
Be careful where you stand
Don't want to get caught in the blast

Too close to the time
Never want to miss
Too close to the wind
Sail over black horizon
Too close to the bone
Cut deep and bleed you out
Too close to the ground
Do you dare to fail?

Be careful where you stand
This thing might just go off
Be careful where you stand
Don't want to get caught in the blast

Too close to the fire
You will get yourself burned

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